It's Not Me, It's You

It's both of you.

Photo by IRIS AVI on Unsplash

I like to cruise the local community Facebook pages to see what’s happening behind the scenes in the Springfield area. Most of the conversations are about restaurants opening or closing, or the police finding someone naked in a tree, or with their hand stuck in something. It’s small town enough that we have about a dozen community pages to cruise just to know what’s going on.

Somewhat often, I read posts from both men and women about the slim pickings in the local dating scene. It’s always funny to read because of the arguments. After five years here, I think I have it figured out.

To begin with, the total number of people who regard themselves as “single” is a much smaller pool than in the Pacific Northwest, where single unattached people seem to be everywhere and reasonably happy about it. There are about 15% fewer single people in the Springfield area than Seattle, according to Claude, and I believe much of that low number has to do with religious influences. People don’t divorce here.

The second reason is that more people are happier single than ever before. I’m one of them. I have no plans to ever date again, so sitting back and reading the rants and arguments is fun reading. I have no flesh in the game.

Yet in both markets, there are differing expectations from the opposite or sometimes same sex, and based on the people who still write to me on Quora about the topic, more and more people are raising the bar on anyone they date. I think it’s because they can.

Ultimately, it’s a combination of fewer people in the dating pool and far fewer willing to settle for just anyone. Politics has also played a role. Left and right are less tolerant of each other, so there is that. Politics never played a role in my younger dating years, but as I’ve grown older, I have less patience with the left’s deer-in-the-headlights response when I ask about what’s happened to places like Portland or Seattle. They vote blue no matter who, and the light switch about the destruction of Seattle or Portland rarely goes on. They also think socialism is a good idea, so there is that.

Within those who are “available” and post their frustration with the other side, most are a muddy mess. They digitally vomit the problems they want you to solve for them in a relationship. “I just got out of federal prison and I’m looking for a good woman to help me get back on my feet.” Yeah, I read that one. Apparently the getting back on his feet part is her job now. Or, “I am looking for a good faithful man to help me raise my seven kids.” The youngest is usually about a month old. The oldest once nailed his foot to the floor. Nobody in the comments asks about either timeline.

I’m trying to be nice here, but most on both sides look like one too many beers and a serious beating with an ugly stick. There is average, and then there is this group, waving at average from two zip codes below it. Almost all know a psychiatrist on a first-name basis and carry pills of some kind that keep them from twitching. We’re not talking quality here.

One local “friend” said during the attempt on President Trump’s life that she was sorry he wasn’t shot. The character failure buzzer went off in my head like a grade school fire alarm. Someday she will smack someone in the forehead with an iron skillet and I don’t want to be there to arrange bail. It’s one reason I didn’t want to date in the first place. Her sense of morality was about as thick as toilet paper. We’ve not spoken since.

The humor part is the lack of self-awareness that never asks what they bring to the table in the first place. They don’t even have a clue that their hairstyle and fashion died a painful death in the last millennium, and nobody sent flowers. You know it’s bad when the same hairstyle and clothes are someone’s Halloween costume. They look like a cross between a tarantula and a hand grenade. I stay silent, laugh at it, and scroll on to the next thing.

Normal and single is rare around here. I will admit that. I think most probably find their relationships within their own church, and you won’t see them on Facebook anyway. My biggest social interaction is always the hospital, and I never hear anyone volunteer that they are single. General discussion always starts with “My husband…” or “My wife…” They also assume I’m married, widowed, or divorced, in that order. I never comment. I let them pick one and live with it.

My advice to the dating world is self-awareness first. It costs nothing and requires no prescription. I think that will get you further, but that’s just me.